Amazon Acquires James Bond Franchise

In a nondescript conference room—fluorescent lights flickering, beige walls closing in—James Bond, MI6’s sharpest asset, prepares to meet his new overlord. He adjusts his tie, expecting a mission briefing, and steps inside to find Bezos slouched in an ergonomic chair, sipping a kale smoothie through a reusable straw.

Bond extends a hand, his grip firm, practiced. “James Bond, license to kill.” Bezos blinks, mid-slurp, and counters, “Jeff Bezos, license to scale.” The air hums with the faint buzz of a projector warming up, though no one remembers scheduling a PowerPoint. Bond settles into a seat that creaks like it’s filing a grievance, eyeing the man who now owns his martinis.

Bezos leans forward, elbows on the table, and launches in. “Big fan of your work—discrete, efficient, high-impact deliverables.” Bond nods, parsing the jargon, wondering if “deliverables” means corpses or cocktails. “We’re pivoting your ops model,” Bezos continues, tapping a tablet that flickers to life with a chart titled 007 ROI Projections. “Less exploding lairs, more synergies.” Bond squints, deciphering whether “synergies” implies teamwork or a new grenade type.

A pen sits between them—sleek, silver, suspiciously lightweight. Bond picks it up, clicks it once, expecting a laser. It vibrates, softly announcing, “Meeting scheduled: Monday, 9 a.m., re: stealth optimization.” He sets it down, slowly, as if it might report him for insubordination. Bezos grins, all teeth and ambition. “That’s your new sidekick—keeps you on task, tracks your KPIs.” Bond raises an eyebrow, unsure if KPIs measure kills or his coffee intake.

The conversation drifts to resources. “Q Branch stays,” Bezos assures, “though we’re streamlining procurement—fewer bespoke gadgets, more scalable solutions.” Bond envisions Q handing him a multipack of pens instead of a car that turns into a submarine. “Scalability’s the future,” Bezos adds, gesturing vaguely at the ceiling, where a smoke detector blinks like it’s taking notes. Bond shifts, wondering if the future includes a jetpack or just a better filing system.

Bezos pivots, voice dropping to a conspiratorial hum. “Your villains—great brand recognition, terrible exit strategy. We’re retooling them for recurring revenue.” Bond pictures Blofeld pitching a subscription for world domination, payable in quarterly installments. “Think loyalty programs,” Bezos muses, “evil with a points system.” Bond’s jaw tightens, calculating the odds of a loyalty card defusing a death ray.

A pause settles, heavy as a budget review. Bezos taps his tablet again, pulling up a graph labeled Bond Engagement Metrics. “Your charm’s off the charts—literally—but we need to monetize it.” Bond stares, deadpan, as the line spikes at every femme fatale encounter. “Maybe a webinar series,” Bezos suggests, “Seduction for Operational Success.” Bond adjusts his cufflinks, silently mourning the days when seduction didn’t require a login.

The room’s clock ticks louder, or maybe that’s Bond’s patience winding down. “And my missions?” he asks, voice smooth as a freshly oiled trigger. Bezos shrugs, casual as a man who’s never dodged a bullet. “Same stakes, tighter deadlines—think agile sprints, saving the world by EOD.” Bond nods, translating “EOD” to “end of day” rather than “explosive ordnance disposal,” though both feel plausible.

Bezos stands, smoothie empty, and claps Bond on the shoulder. “You’re our flagship asset—disruptive, premium-tier.” Bond rises, towering slightly, wondering if “premium-tier” gets him a raise or a corner office. “We’ll iterate from here,” Bezos declares, striding out, leaving the pen blinking on the table. Bond pockets it, resigned, knowing it’s already logged his exit time.

Outside, the sky looms gray, indifferent. Bond lights a cigarette—Q’s latest, probably tracks his lung capacity—and exhales. The world spins on, now with a corporate overlay, and he’s stuck reporting to a guy who thinks “covert” means a private Slack channel. Fleming’s legacy tilts, faintly amused, as a drone hums overhead, auditing the scene for compliance.